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| Image is of my blond son in a shirt and jeans, walking away, at approximately 22 months old. |
(Note:
I am a work in progress, and I am learning more every single day.
Please note, if you see references in this post that feel ableist, that I
am learning, and continuing to improve my lexicon when it comes to
respecting the disabled community.)
Human beings do not operate on a linear model. Our growth never follows
a straight line. So, why do we refer to challenges or support needs as delays? Where are we rushing off to? Why
does every new parent obsess over emails telling them where their child should be? Are they talking on time and
are they walking on time? And, then there comes that term.. delayed. In the
beginning, yes, I used the term delayed,
because that's the term I was fed as a parent. That's the term society feeds you
when a child, or even a disabled adult, doesn't fall into the arbitrary
straight line of development. The word delay
has a markedly negative connotation to it. To delay someone is to hold them back. To be delayed is to be late, or postponed. The word delayed implies that every single person should be working toward
the same goal. I call that bullshit.
Now, I don't deny that different people need different supports. It's
not wrong to give your child the opportunity to walk, it's not wrong to give
them the opportunity to speak. It's not wrong to provide support to your child,
or a disabled adult, so that they can figure out what path works best
for them. But, it's also not wrong to never
walk. It's not wrong to never use
words to communicate. I chose to stop using the term delayed, because it implies certain expectations, or suggests that my
son is behind others. He is not behind
anybody else. He is right there next to his peers, except his path looks
different than theirs. My son could hum a tune back to us at nine months old.
He knew numbers and letters by two years old. I'm fairly certain he was reading
some words by three to four years old. But, I saw these things, because I spent
hours upon hours with him, and I know him. When a doctor or specialist met with
him for half an hour, they said.. well, he's delayed. Because, he cannot (and will not) jump through hoops and answer questions
on command, he must be delayed. Again,
I call that bullshit.
My son is disabled. My son needs supports and options to provide him
ways to communicate outside of typically expected speech. My son needs physical
supports for his challenges with hypotonia. My son also has an incredible
memory, is great at practical problem solving, has an amazing sense of humor, is the most
loving child you would ever meet, and so much more. My son is not delayed. He is exactly where he's
supposed to be right now. His future is unwritten. I will keep on giving him
options and opportunities. I will never fault him for not measuring up to
someone else's timeline.
As a parent or caretaker of a disabled person, you often do
need to communicate your child's needs to a professional. So, what do you say?
Instead of delays, try using the term support needs. My son has support needs
to communicate, so we use things like PECS, body language, and we are working
on typing. You can also use the word challenges, which can be iffy to me, but I
prefer it to delays. All human beings run into challenges, so it is less
divisive than the word delays. My son has challenges with physical movement, so
he wears SFOs (orthotic shoe inserts) to support his feet and ankles. On the flip side of things,
instead of saying someone is ahead
(which also applies to a linear rat race), you can use the word strengths. My daughter has very strong
academic skills, and works on academic levels that vary from her same age peers.
We are not in a race with one another. Disabled children and adults
should not be looked at as being behind.
We may all be different, but we are all equal. The words we use matter, and
using words with negative connotations to describe perfectly acceptable human
conditions, is ableist in nature. It takes work to untrain yourself and stop
using the words that society has drilled into us. But, it's worth it, for a
better, more accepting society.
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