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| Approximately 8 year old me, short dark hair with a large doll I got as a Christmas gift. |
For many years, I told myself I wasn't an emotional person. I was like
Data or Mr. Spock; completely analytical and ruled by my brain and never by my
heart. This was a badge of pride and strength for me. As my twenties
progressed, what I started to see is that this really meant that I felt afraid
of my intense emotions and incapable of communicating them. When faced with a
difficult conversation, I would shut down and physically curl up, as if to
protect myself. It wasn't that I wasn't an "emotional person" - it
was that I didn't know how to cope with the incredibly deep emotions I had, and
I didn't know how to communicate them. They were, and are, so big, that my body
didn't know how to let them out. With the long and bumpy road of my youth, it
felt safer to try and lock everything up. My emotional way out has long been
attached to music. Singing, dancing, or just listening to music for hours,
locked in my room. Music would let other people use the words I couldn't seem
to connect to my own emotions.
Here I sit at 35 and sometimes I think I might have it kind of figured
out. But, that's for two minutes, once every three months.. maybe. I guess, if
I only apply my logical thought that I can say, 'Yes, I've made substantial
improvement in expressing my emotions in a healthy way'. But, every set back
feels so big. When I'm tired and my senses are already overloaded, it's really
hard not to have my very own melt down when one of the children is having a
meltdown. As the parent, you are there to absorb their energy and protect them.
But, sometimes it feels like this swirling, choking feeling in my throat and in
my head I'm screaming 'I'm angry! I'm angry! I'm so angry right now!'. I know
I'm not really angry; I'm just overloaded and I need recovery time. What I'm
actually feeling is scared of the overload. But, the feeling of fear often
exhibits as anger. It has been quite the journey to try and find the right
balance of making sure my children's emotional needs are met and protected
(aka, not screaming at them, but keeping it locked inside my head) while also
learning the truth about my own.
Having two unique children with unique ways of communicating has been
such a gift in so many ways. Learning how to best parent them has opened me up
to how to best cope with my own emotions and sensory needs. I'm slowly finding
the words that describe what I'm feeling inside. I'm slowly figuring out how to
say, "This is too much for me right now." Words have never been a
struggle for me. Anybody who knows me, knows that I do not lack in the word
department. But, the difficulty has been trying to unpack and identify why my
emotions come out the way they do. Trying to use the many words I have to tell
other people what's going on inside me. There is still an uphill battle for me
to fight, but I'm in it for the long haul. Every step I take in the right
direction benefits my children, my family, my friends and myself. I can tell my
daughter, 'Mommy feels very overwhelmed right now. Can you please go watch TV
for a few minutes while I have my headphones in?'
Yes, I will absolutely have my children watch an electronic device so I
keep my emotions and sensory input in check. And, I will do it with no shame.
Because, that's something that helps keep our family running a little smoother.
I have to teach myself how to admit when I can't do something, because
I just lack the emotional spoons to do it. I taught myself how to suck it up
and fight hard a long time ago. That was my mode of operating for many years. But, now I am in a safe space. I've been in a
safe space for a while now, but it takes a long time to start breaking down
those walls. It's time to let myself have some grace and let those big emotions
have their place in my life. I let myself cry when I feel a swell of happy emotions.
I will let myself cry with excitement. I will let myself bounce and smile in anticipation. I
will let myself hide under a blanket when I need to. I will live my emotional
truth. It won't always be perfect and pretty. But, it will be me.
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