Everybody Stims

My happy, sensory seeking daughter and son at the Monterrey Bay Aquarium.

(Note: I am a work in progress, and I am learning more every single day. Please note, if you see references in this post that feel ableist, that I am learning, and continuing to improve my lexicon when it comes to respecting the disabled community.)

Everybody stims.

Just like so many other natural human behaviors, everybody seeks sensory stimulation of some kind or another. I can already hear people piping up to say, 'what about sensory avoidance?'. Well, yes, there are also many people who are adverse to certain types of stimuli. But, the truth is, even most people who have some sensory aversions, are still seeking stimulation in some way. While (almost) everybody stims, people do it in a large variety of ways. When we talk about 'sensory stimulation', there are a variety of categories that can fall under.

-Sight.

-Smell.

-Taste.

-Hearing.

-Touch.

-Vestibular (sense of head movement in space).

-Proprioception (sensations from muscles and joints).

When you hear the term 'stimming', a lot of people think of behaviors like hand flapping or head shaking. Yes, those are ways to seek sensory stimulation. But, they are certainly not the only ones. The challenge lies in society dictating what stimming is acceptable and what is considered 'weird'. Let's look at some more common, everyday versions of seeking stimulation:

- Chewing gum

- Biting nails

- Eating ice

- Snuggling in fluffy blankets

- Wearing oversized, soft sweaters or socks

- Listening to music

- Snuggling with and petting animals

- Riding roller coasters

- Dancing

- Tapping feet up and down

- Twirling hair

There are many other ways to seek stimulation as well, that we often do without even giving it much thought. Perhaps petting your cat while wearing a soft sweater just feels good. And, it is acceptable in the eyes  of society. Going on a huge roller coaster and feeling your stomach drop and pressure in your head may feel good for you. That's also on the list of acceptable ways to seek stimulation. So, let me ask you this; why is it weird for someone to shake their head back and forth or shake their hands because it feels good to them? It's weird because somebody in society said it wrong to do that. People decided that we should all be sitting perfectly still and quiet, and society ran with it. Thankfully, things are changing, but there are still these preconceived notions on what kind of stimulation seeking is okay and what isn't.

I am very open, honest and even blunt about the sensory seeking in our home. My almost eight year old daughter will tell people, 'Yeah, we are big sensory seekers, we like to chew on chewies and bounce on big balls.' I have told her it is a normal thing for her and her brother, and she treats it as such.. because, IT IS normal!

Seeking stimulation is always okay, but, not every form of stimulation is always safe, and sometimes yes, you do have to find a middle ground of what society finds 'acceptable'. That's where I struggle most, as the mother of a child who expresses himself in unique ways. Being generally non-speaking, he often uses loud shrieks as a way to express his pleasure in something. Now, if we're at home or we're outside somewhere, that's absolutely never a problem. But, it becomes a challenge when we're in a place where people expect quiet, like a movie theater. He loves to watch action in movies. That makes him happy and excited. Which, can sometimes lead to the shrieking. In those specific situations I feel compelled to fall within what's accepted for society and try and remind him to be quiet. Then, I feel guilt because I'm somewhat quelling his expression of happiness. While, others may laugh at something, he may choose to shriek instead. The laughter is acceptable, but the shrieking is not, even though they may both be expressing a similar emotion.

Let me tell you a quick story about my son's happy stimming in a crowded, public place. In March of this year, we took a road trip to California. We love to travel, and we've been road tripping with the kids since they were both infants. We decided to stop in Las Vegas, and take our kids to 'Paris', since it is an obsession of my daughter's and we thought it would be fun. We ate breakfast at the cafe at the front of the Paris casino, that faces the strip. My son loves cars; riding in them and watching them drive by. He was over the moon sitting where he could see lots of cars going by. While,  I don't feel any societal pressure to prevent his hand flapping; his excitement grew to shriek expressing levels and I could feel the (perhaps imaginary) eyes on me and the desire to still fit that 'what's acceptable' mold. I tried to keep him relatively quiet, while not completely suppressing his joy. There's nothing worse than feeling like people are judging your child as flawed in some way, simply because they're different. While, the meal was fun, and the kids were amazing (as they generally are in public), I felt a lot of stress, assuming people were throwing judgment our way. Then, something absolutely amazing happened. And, I think I'll always remember this moment and be thankful to the kindness of a stranger. The women at the table next to us had finished, and were getting ready to leave. One of them leaned down to me, and she said, "I just wanted to let you know that you have a beautiful family.". There was so much said in that simple sentence. It was all I could do not to burst into tears because the subtext said 'I accept and embrace your son's differences, and you're doing a good job.'. There are so many people in society trying to tell us what we should or shouldn't do, but hearing one person tell you that your differences are okay can make your heart feel a little bit safer.

My son and daughter standing in front of the Paris Casino, in Las Vegas.

We've been fortunate that neither of our children have attempted stimulation in a particularly harmful way. There are some  children and adults who seek stimulation in ways that may harm them. That's the biggest challenge any loved one of that person can experience. The biggest takeaway should be helping them find SAFE ways to seek the stimulation they need, and never telling them that wanting some form of stimulation is wrong.. but only that we love them and want to help them stay safe and be their best, happiest selves.  We should seek to understand and guide, and not focus only on the end behavior.

So, what should you do when someone is seeking stimulation or expressing themselves in a non-harmful way that's different than you? I had a very thoughtful person ask me if they should attempt to mimic my son, to try and relate to him. You shouldn't change the way you express your need for stimulation to match anyone else. If you want to relate to someone, just try talking to them. Smile at them. Let them know that you are not uncomfortable with them being themselves. Even your body language can help communicate that. Remember that a small act of inclusion and acceptance can go a long way to make someone's day that much brighter.